Monday, October 26, 2009
I am not a fan of restraint anymore. Delayed gratification with slow progress, or hesitations or doubts. How you kill desire is by demonstrating an inability to find a way to work with the circumstances you are provided, to come closer to the one that you want (and want badly) A time eventually comes when you no longer have the patience, and it's not an intellectual decision at all. It comes in the physical, where you realize that even though there is still a hint of the wonder and the delight and the wild, it is buried in an avalanche. One day, you just simply let go. You love still, and you always will, but your desire to move and push forward with something disappears. Is it cruel? Yes. Is it fair to crucify me for it? Perhaps. I make promises, but if you do not allow me to keep them, how can a thing survive? Are you beautiful? Absolutely. Are you a wonderful soul? Without a doubt. Do you make me laugh? Always. All I will say is that the allure of the narrative overwhelmed you. It's no reflection on your worth. You are worthy of the wildest, boldest of love. I offered it. The wall that you put up (and keep in mind that even in the most evil of circumstances, there were freedoms you could have fought for, that you did not - simple little things that there there, and you did not, but could with others) was too much. I saw a window of opportunity to pursue the narrative. To put the show first. I put the show first. I'm sorry. As I said, you can crucify me all you like for turning my focus to perfecting the craft, the show, and the soul, but before you do, ask yourself genuinely if you could have done more to brought me closer, and if the answer is 'Yes...' then perhaps on some level, you should at least understand why I feel the way I feel. How you kill desire is by not attending to it. I attended. I waited, and pushed, and I provoked. You ultimately did not reply, and the saddest thing is, you are one of the greatest lovers on the planet. Something was there. And we let it go.