Wednesday

I'm in the mood to get physical all day and night.

(That is it)

Delayed Gratification?

The show is ready, but I will not be performing it just yet. The Nuit Blanche show is now the priority. I am not worried about 'losing it' because the narrative is intact, and it's ready to go, and I always have said that it's just a matter of the body evolving to the point of being able to pull it off. Well, the preparation for Nuit Blanche will be more than enough to make me ready for what is to come in October. For now, all I have to focus on is being physical, since the narrative that is evolving for NB is relying upon a structured improvisation (with a little cosmetic adjustment?) It means I'm not worried about scripting, or the finer details, or over-preparation. All NB requires for this installation is a beginning, middle, and end (and me and my dancers will attend to the rest) Anyways, at this point, I required a little something more simple - if I'm just working at my job, continuing to organize for the 3rd of October, and just getting physical, I'll be a happy man. Besides, the crux of Arrogant Little Fuck has to be about someone who is justified in his behaviour, and though I'm close when it comes to the body, and what it can do, I am simply not there yet. Yes yes, I know this is a show that has yet to get off of the ground, but what I'm doing at NB is a natural lead-in, and isn't it more about being led by the process, and not the possibility of the end result? Would I have wandered into The Green Room that day, and have encountered Benjamin, without my show? I seriously doubt it (in the most tangible sense, the reason why I had that rare day off on that day, was exactly because I needed time to work upon the narrative, and two hours later, here we are) If anything, I'm bending to the wind. I'm surrendering to the immediate, and to the now, and trusting that upon the 4th of October, when I'm four days into what I plan to be a three week vacation, I'll be boarding a train to Montreal to inhabit a studio space for a couple of weeks, and doing what it is that I set out to do a long time ago, and that's take the material that was, and turn it into something new. So for now, all I am going to do is focus on the physical, and prepare myself, and the rest of my group, for what I know will be one wild night in the history of Toronto art.

I can wait for you.

Cleanse

I'm not fed up or tired or sick of anything at the moment. I'm not, really. More I'm just inspired to do the wild, and it's time that I burn away a little more of the unnecessary, starting with my body. It has to be the body first, really. I need to feel a little hunger for the next few days, and though I wouldn't call it an intentional starvation (cause I know how to do such things without falling apart, but only becoming stronger) I am sure that the idea of wasting away for a few days will be quite compelling. It fits my character, both in the here and now, and in the upcoming narrative (which is now complete) I would head on off to Montreal to start performing, but I'm needed here, and frankly, now is the time to let it simmer, and to make someone I know all the more hotter, and wanting of me. Now is the time to be my natural self, and no longer worried about the 'when' of anything, but simply prepare myself to be ready for what is to come. What matters to me in the here and now, in this month of August, is preparation for September, so all of my actions, whether it's in the people I speak with, or the nature of the dance, has to be all geared towards that, and part of that means letting go of a lot of things I no longer need. I don't require the security of familiar things or individuals to keep me safe and warm. No, what I want right now is a dance floor, a body that feels empty and lean and daring, and expressions of hot desire pouring upon my body day after day. I've got a job in the practical world, and I'll do it, but as it was last year, at this time, it now becomes mere interruption for who and what I truly am. I get it now (I get it at last) So let The Cleanse begin - tonight, in the here and now, it's time to strip away everything that was, and build something new, something wild (something that I know you'll love when you get your hands upon it, since I know you're thinking about it, if you're reading this)

I feel alive.