Friday, September 5, 2008

I feel strong. Powerful. I can see it in my body, and in the comfort and ease I have slipping into certain kinds of situations before, where I'd fail at. Words are precise, and I'm not hesitating anymore with what I have to say, whereas I remember days when I couldn't even allow myself to experience desire, or be physical in the way I am now. I used to not have this much courage, and I know that surprises some people who've only known me for 3-4 years, but it's quite true that a lot of the experiences I have had in the past, I fell into by accident, or was the one following, whereas now, it's a mutual walking together (I only like to lead in dance...) I used to not improvise, and now it's all proceeding on the fly, and where I used to cherish a good night's rest, I can't get any sleep anymore, because there is just too much of pleasure to be had, and my mind simply can't rest anymore (and the body has to follow) I'm not saying I am a saint, and I'm not saying I've treated a lot of the people I know fairly, but I know what the fall ahead is about to bring, and that's a lot of posing for artists, and a lot of travelling, and a lot of performing. I am performing now because I decided to accept a certain failure of my body, and understand that maybe it breaks down so much because I've been trying to do something it's not capable of, and that's okay. But what I am capable of is so much, and I've finally given myself over to it, after a long time of fighting it. There's nothing wrong with a wild piece of physical theatre, and suitable, inappropriate contact to go with such a thing. Maybe that's just me, and why I've been so quiet with some of the people I have loved, because I had to learn how to be myself. It's not easy, and I won't always do it well, but trying is turning into living, and I like sleeping on floors, and in strange beds, and staying unaffiliated. I took an old piece of narrative from a hard memory, and now it's something that is ready, and in a few days, it will debut in Montreal, and where I have to leave a certain art behind, a new one is now waiting for me, and I feel like a fool that I didn't see it sooner (but hey, maybe I just wasn't meant to see it so soon, eh?) My knee or my head doesn't even hurt right now, and as for my heart well, it may potentially ache now and then, the next while, but not for a lack of daring (and daring these days, suits me fine...)