Sunday, December 28, 2008

He's Lost Control

I had a violent, albeit it good night last night. There was a lot of dancing, and an evening lacking in inhibition (I'm glad I'm the kind of individual who can indulge in such things sober) Where the restraint has gone, I don't know, but I don't think it's coming back anytime soon. Am I grateful for the discipline of dance, well yes (You have no idea how much working up three sweats a day is saving my sanity at the moment) I feel better, and I feel stronger, and wilder, but also more bent, and apt to lose it, and emotionally volatile. I'm turning into the character I created in my show (and yes, he is more the person I would want to be, rather than the person that I am) I told this to Veronica once and she and I agreed that it's something genuine to find that place in art, where you do have the opportunity to aspire to something more, and greater, beyond you, and understand that you aren't something yet (but are trying) He is who I wish to be, because he isn't cool - he's precise and focused but apt to explode at any moment, and all of his violence is brutal lovely (mine still is a little restrained) Maybe it's the girl of the last stanza (You know who you are) What am I doing, really, to want someone so much? What? Is it really justified? (I'm using rational thought to justify desire, oh that's really smart) All I know is that the more I dive into Him the more I'm starting to become the guy I created. I don't mind, because it's what I wanted. But I didn't anticipate or expect this feeling - this feeling of longing that is in one of the stanzas from years ago, all of a sudden present in the now, for a girl who is presently standing by a window, staring skyward, saying absolutely nothing. It would be one thing if she wasn't attracted to me - I wouldn't like it, but I'd let it go. The fact that she is, though, is starting to hurt. It really is, and I don't know if I can't take much more of it, or if it's a case where I really can, and it truly is being poured into a fabulous piece of art. I desire more than one person at a time - it's my nature, I won't apologize for it, and I don't commit anymore for a reason. It just so happens that the girl who is the quietest, and who says nothing, is the loudest in my body (and I confess, in the heart) Thank god I'm an artist - I can take this out on a stage (and I'm so much better at it now than I was) If you ask me truly though, in this case, I would rather piss on the art and be inside of her body, than do a show that is loved by many. I know that feeling won't last (I'll still want both - to kiss her on the mouth and to perform worldwide seems like an ideal combination) But today, on this day, I'd rather not be a performer, and rather be her lover. So to hell with me today for feeling like this, and for my lack of sanity on the matter. Today, sanity does not prevail. I am only thinking with my body, and my cock, and wanting to fuck her badly, and leaving it at that. Tomorrow, I will still want that, and the stage - I won't feel like I'm having to choose (why does it even feel like that?) If all that can be left to be said is on the stage, I won't complain. No matter how this post sounds, I have a good life teetering on the edge of greatness. Today, it just simply doesn't matter so much (Tomorrow will be different, no doubt)

I should go sweat again.