Thursday, November 26, 2009

Maps, Charts, and Projections

I only required space and time. That is all that was ever needed at this point, and I didn't know it until I took the opportunity to find out. I knew it when I had that familiar chill in my spine, and when my mouth opened up like I was hungry in a way I had not been, in a long time (and it is still not closed, and it is as if I am being hollowed out, and it is a divine pleasure, trust) I knew it when my step made me faster than anyone I was walking by, and I wasn't winded, and I knew it when it was as if I had seven projections in front of my eyes, all with different aspects of narratives - of maps and charts and words, and last lines first. I knew that all I had required in the last six months was just a moment to simply breathe, and that I had not found it in Montreal, and I would not find it here, until I had taken space from everyone and everything, save for what I chose. You choose, you know. Even when you are outside for a stroll in the fall air, it's still all a choice as to what it is you invite in, and what you deem unnecessary, and last night it was as if, for the first time in four years, everything else simply fell away (and four years ago, I wasn't even close to being this man, trust me) Matters of love or sex don't matter in a sense, because things will attend to themselves. You feel absolute longing but it somehow shifts in direction, and you know that the only way to someone's mouth, or to be inside of their body, or to anything of longing, is the path you suddenly find yourself on. So here it was, waiting. I didn't understand it until the now, and now that I know, only a full surrender is going to bring this all to the surface, so I give in (Here are my wrists for you, so bind them, and take me with you...) I do know that I will, in all likelihood, as a result of this, have the wildest bedroom in the city of Toronto (and it could have been no other way) Control isn't necessarily the issue, but the understanding that it's no longer time to give in to variables out of my hands. You see, no one has ever known how to construct a setting like this, who I know. So I have to give the example. I had paralyzed my mind with thoughts of how it should be, and it only took a moment of walking into a new space to realize what I could do with this narrative (and I'm doing so as we speak) I have four more days until I return back to work. Four days (Four days is plenty, yes) Money is not an issue. Whatever it takes and whatever has to be done, and whatever I have to do physically I will do for this. I'm surrendering. I'm yours. I'm giving in and giving in again until you have me (and until this is finished)

Coincidentally, this entry is finished (To it we go...)