Saturday, May 9, 2009

The Loss of a Left Leg.

I wouldn't say I've been particularily unlucky the last while. I accepted a promotion at work (I've been turning it down for a year and a half because I didn't want it to interfere with my creative work) I took the promotion because it was on my terms, and I simply felt it time for a little more progression. Now, I'm in a new phase of evaluation that prevents the actual pay increase, but once I get through it, that retroactive pay shall be very delightful (and truthfully, I'm enjoying the new responsibility) Unfortunately, two weeks into the promotion I suffered a major infection in my left leg, and rashes all over both. The initial thinking was a staph infection/cellulitis, but after further consultation, I apparently have a mystery on my hands. This mystery has not only caused a cosmetic damage to my legs, but my left leg internally suffered some major damage - septic arthritis being one result, and the others as well, still a mystery (I hope to find out more on Tuesday) You have to look at an infection as something that will continue to do damage, the longer it goes untreated (makes perfect sense, eh?) The antibiotics I was on have run out, and I'm still in pain (I've been told that's a natural result even after infection goes down - pain will be present for awhile) The left knee, which already had major problems, now has even more complications, and I have intense pain from my inner thigh down to the outer part of my left ankle. Simply, it hurts. I'm not feeling like an old man, but I'm limping around a little bit like one. A couple of days into this infection, there was even the possibility that if things continued the way they were, I would lose it. As it stands now, I won't lose the limb literally, but I've lost a lot of it for the moment, and I've been told that depending upon the damage, it may simply never be the same.

Having said all that, I'm still alive. Though my left leg has damage, the rest of me feels strong. I have no intention of stopping my show, or my trip to Montreal. The biopsy on the rashes is a few days before the trip (You can't exactly cut into a man when he has an infection) Though I know circumstances with my left leg will force me to adapt to circumstances, and that I may never walk or dance properly again, I'm still an optimist, and when I was lying in bed with that fever for a few days, I vowed that when I got stronger, I would go to places I've never been, whether it's the discipline in the art, or geographical. You have to understand that once you go through the pain of what I went through, you lose your fear of it, and when you lose your fear of it, you become dangerous, in the best of ways. I feel it today, that even though it was one rough period of time to get through (and even though I'm still in it) I'm strong enough to still work up a sweat, and the voice is even more precise than it ever was.

I also know that there is a decision to make, when it comes to the heart, and that I made it, against my will. I'll stay purposely cryptic. The most I can say is that my show will say everything, and be it with one leg or two, I'm still moving forward.